


Insufferable Bureaucracy

by arrowcreates



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Backrubs, Being Walked In On, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Nonbinary Beelzebub (Good Omens), Other, Partial Nudity, Possessive Gabriel, Self-Indulgent, Tags May Change, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 13:03:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20210212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrowcreates/pseuds/arrowcreates
Summary: Five times Beelzebub kissed Gabriel, and one time he kissed them. Aso, back scratches are involved at some point, because they are the shit.The order for time/scene changes follows: 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th, 5th, 6th. Back scratches take place between 3rd & 4th.(This is blatantly self-indulgent because there's not enough intense, intimate moments between these two. Ineffable Husbands is only background, but AO3 tags are dumb.)This might just turn into another damn full-length fic, because I'm so good at making and then abandoning those.





	Insufferable Bureaucracy

**Author's Note:**

> Let it be known that I don't know how to write Gabriel worth any shred of a shit. He is a super tough character to get into the mindset of, I don't understand any of his motivations and I won't pretend to. So if I write him awkwardly, I've said my piece.
> 
> Beelzebub is way easier for me, because I can understand why they act the way they do. It makes it easier to conceptualize how they might react in any given scenario.

Beelzebub and Gabriel were at St. James Park the first time anything remotely unprofessional happened between them. They were spying on their respective siblings, both trying to figure out how Aziraphale and Crowley had stopped the Apocalypse. 

As a demon, Prince of Hell, and just a generally short-statured individual, Beelzebub was having a decent time of spying. As an angel, Archangel of Heaven, and a very tall person, Gabriel was Not Very Good at spying. Especially not from behind a hot dog cart. 

"Would you get down, Gabriel?" Beelzebub hissed, tugging him by the scarf and forcing him into a crouch. "The bloody idiots may see you." 

Crowley and Aziraphale, on the other hand, were almost certainly well aware they were being watched. They did not let this keep them from feeding the ducks, of course, nor did it keep Crowley's hand from seeking Azriaphale's when they ran out of things to throw. 

"Their backs are to us, Beelzebub," Gabriel replied in exasperation. "How could they possibly notice us?" 

"Hey!" The pair turned to see a policeman walking straight toward them. "What do you two think you're doing by that cart?" 

Beelzebub drew themself up to their full 160cm height and looked at the officer dead on. "That is none of your business, you pesky little-" 

Gabriel smacked a hand over their mouth and smiled at the policeman. "Apologies, officer. We are spying on our brothers." He felt Beelzebub step roughly on his foot in protest. He ignored them and threw a little angelic power into his words, willing the policeman to forget they were here. "We mean no harm."

The officer looked dazed for a moment, then puzzled. He shook his head, then turned and walked away without another word.

Beelzebub bit Gabriel's fingers, who quickly released them. "How dare you put your hands on me?" They demanded furiously. 

Gabriel inspected his hand for a moment before glaring down at them. "If you wish to spend a night in a human jail cell, that is you choice. I, however, would suggest we find somewhere else to do our spying before that officer remembers we are here." 

Beelzebub bared their teeth at him, then stalked off toward a nearby tree. Gabriel followed. From their new vantage point, Beelzebub noticed Aziraphale and Crowley speaking quietly, before glancing at the cart they had just been behind. The pair stood from their bench and began to walk down a path that led out of the park. Beelzebub saw, to some amazement, that they remained holding hands. 

Gabriel, behind them, was still ranting about the stupid human authority figure. Beelzebub elbowed him roughly in the gut, then jerked their head toward their brothers. Gabriel elbowed them back, then set off at a brisk pace to follow the others. 

Beelzebub miracled themself into a normal-looking human woman before hurrying to catch up to him. "Make yourself look different," they ordered him. 

"I will not," Gabriel argued. "I refuse to change into some brutish human." 

Beelzebub knew that if Aziraphale and Crowley were to turn around, they would see Gabriel and them arguing. "Argh, fine, you stubborn-headed mule's brain! Don't look less suspicious, for all I care. This is going to turn on you, mark my words." They crossed their arms over their chest and stormed past him, hoping to get some distance from the idiot. Why had they ever agreed to work with him on this? 

Up ahead, Crowley and Aziraphale had crossed the street and were walking down the pavement. Beelzebub could spot Crowley's precious car some distance away, but they seemed to be heading toward a human restaurant instead. 

Aziraphale was laughing at something Crowley had said, but Beelzebub noticed he had his head turned a little too far to the side to be watching the demon. Beelzebub stopped in place, causing Gabriel to crash into them and nearly knock them down. "What was that for?" He asked, straightening his jacket. 

Beelzebub turned to face him. "The angel is about to look this way. Follow my lead." There wasn't enough time to miracle them both away, and Beelzebub had long since forgotten how to pause time. Somehow, it never occurred to them to ask Gabriel to.

They felt Aziraphale's eyes burn into the back of their head as they pulled Gabriel down by his scarf and pressed their lips to his. 

They would be lying if they said kissing Gabriel didn't make them want to gag and maybe even be discorporated. His bloody lips were too soft, and he was too stiff with surprise to really help them sell the illusion. Stupid archangel grabbed their shoulders, about to push them back, before he seemed to get the message. He relaxed into it, and Beelzebub let it go on a few more seconds before they could be sure no one was watching. They pulled away and spit onto the ground. 

Gabriel had turned an interesting shade of light pink, and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. "There were other ways to throw them off," he complained. 

Beelzebub rolled their eyes. Then cursed as they noticed Aziraphale and Crowley were gone. "Doesn't matter, we've lost them anyway. You taste disgusting by the way." 

"As if you taste any better," he retorted. "Where do you suppose they went?" 

Silence fell between them as Beelzebub thought on it. "Likely back to that silly bookshop the angel resides in. I doubt we could get nearer than a few hundred meters without setting off some sort of alarm. Crowley knows better than to let any demon near his angel, and probably any other angel too." They went dust off their clothing and realized they had resumed their normal form at some point. "We'll have to wait until they go out again." 

"Certainly that will take several human days, as our kinds have no need for consumption," Gabriel thought aloud. "I assume we will have to moniter them elsehow from here on out, seeing as they noticed us following them." 

Beelzebub hissed. "No, they noticed you, Gabriel. I did the smart thing, as usual, and changed my appearance. You had to go and look like an idiot. Don't they teach you up there that pride in one's appearance is a sin?" Before Gabriel had the chance to discorporate them, as they knew he wanted to after that, they miracled back to their office in Hell. 

"Satan almighty," they groaned, sitting back in their chair. "What a blithering idiot." 

The second time it happened, two human weeks had passed. They were both miracled into disguises at the Ritz, sitting several tables away from Crowley and Aziraphale. This time, Beelzebub had taken on the form of a tall, slender man. Gabriel sat across from them, disguised as a very elegantly-dressed woman in a business suit. "I still say I could have disguised as a man," he grumbled.

Beelzebub almost laughed at how odd he sounded as a woman and rolled their eyes, a common habit around him. "I've told you already, humans take gender stupidly seriously. Why are you so attached to the human conception of being male? We are demons and angels, we have none of those ridiculous boundaries."

Gabriel puffed out his chest defensively, which looked stupid on the woman he looked like. "I have no attachment to being male," he insisted. "I hate wearing human clothing. When I disguise myself as male, I can at least keep my normal suit." 

Beelzebub hushed him as the waitress came over, pouring each of them a glass of red wine. "Are you ready to order yet, sir?" She asked them. They tried not to prickle at the honorific. 

"A few more minutes, if you will," they said. The woman nodded and moved on to the next table. Beelzebub lifted their glass and sipped the wine, mostly for show. It was extremely bitter, but the alcohol warned them slightly. "It's too bloody loud in hear, I can't hear what they're talking about." 

Gabriel didn't respond, no doubt trying to make out their words as well. "It sounds like they're talking about Alpha Centauri for some reason." 

An absolutely bizarre thing to discuss at supper, but Beelzebub didn't doubt what Gabriel said. "Crowley is getting up. I'll be right back." They stood and hastily made their way toward the wash room, leaving Gabriel no time to argue. 

They had little time to step into the wash room and trigger the toilet to flush before Crowley came in. By that time, Beelzebub was washing their hands. Crowley nodded at them and began to inspect his reflection.

Beelzebub took a stab at conversation. Anything at all they could think of to get Crowley to maybe let something slip about his plans. "Sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help noticing your sunglasses," they said. "May I ask where you got them? My daughter would love them." 

Crowley looked at them suspiciously before responding. "These old things? Had them for years, not sure they make them anymore. I would suggest trying online." He pushed his hair away from his forehead, then left the wash room.

Beelzebub cursed under their breath before exiting as well. He was surprised to find Gabriel waiting for him, having apparently bumped into Crowley. 

They saw an opportunity to piss Gabriel off, and of course they had to take it. "Darling, I thought you were waiting at the table," they said, leaning down and planting a kiss on his lips. To their surprise, they didn't want to gag as much as the last time. They still hated doing it, but Crowley was still nearby, so they lingered as they pulled away. 

Gabriel was obviously startled, a little angry, but recovered brilliantly. "The waitress came around again and you never told me what you wanted." 

They both turned to check if they were alone and Crowley had vanished, and seeing they were, Gabriel pursed his lips in irritation. "Must you always do that?" He snapped. 

Beelzebub snorted. "It did the trick. What, are you upset because I'm taller than you in this disguise?" 

"No! I do not get upset," Gabriel swore. He was flushed again, though from embarrassment or anger Beelzebub didn't know. "Can we go back to the table now?" 

Shaking their head, Beelzebub let their disguise melt off and put up a shield so the humans couldn't see them. "I see no point," they admitted. "Crowley said nothing of interest to me. I doubt they're talking about anything important, and neither of us eat anyway." 

Gabriel also let his disguise fade away, startling a poor old woman down the hall. "I suggest we return to my office and plan our next move." 

"No. There is no way I am going upstairs for anything but the Meeting. Michael and Urial would discorporate me, even if I wanted to. I don't have time for that paperwork." Beelzebub tucked their hands into their pockets. "Either we meet in Hell or not at all." At Gabriel disgusted expression, they shook their head. "You are impossible. None of the B-list demons near my office would notice you, and if they did they know I would discorporate them if they uttered even a word." 

Gabriel shook his head now. "Do you think I cannot manage to go through Hell unnoticed? I am far more powerful than that, it would hardly be a challenge at all," he boasted. 

Beelzebub smirked. "Then I'll see you down there." Without further ado, they vanished, leaving Gabriel staring where they had been standing. 

Another human week went by, and Gabriel had just materialized in Beelzebub's office. Beelzebub, who had been filing paperwork, cursed as he appeared in their spare chair. "For Satan's sake, Gabriel, a little warning next time," they growled. "You're sitting on Dagon's latest report." 

Gabriel snapped his fingers and the papers appeared on the desk. He didn't sound apologetic as he said, "Sorry." 

Beelzebub glowered at him before turning back to the file cabinet. "I'm astounded you remembered where my office is," they remarked dryly, "after you popped into Hastur's office last time you came down." 

Gabriel prickled at the reminder. "After what happened last time, there was no need for a repeat." 

Beelzebub sat back down at their desk and summoned a pen, leaning over to write something down. "Yes, you discorporated some of my best warriors. A couple of them are still angry with me about that. Now, tell me. Why are you here, exactly?" They looked up at him to find him already watching them.

"Well, I..." Gabriel trailed off. "I suppose I came to ask a question." 

This piqued Beelzebub's interest. "Questions are dangerous around here, Archangel Gabriel," they reminded him. "Even more so upstairs." They noticed he looked distinctly uncomfortable, which was very unlike him, and while no small part of them took great pleasure in that, another tiny part almost felt pity for him. "Speak your question." 

"Why are you so comfortable with displays of human affection?" Gabriel blurted out. He looked uncharacteristically disturbed.

Beelzebub scoffed. "Demons are creatures of sin, idiot. Temptations are our specialty, especially carnal temptations."

"Do you never think about how temptations may affect others?" Gabriel asked. Beelzebub began to have an inkling of what was truly bothering him. 

"That is all we think about as demons. It's harder than you may think, tempting someone. Humans are surprisingly stubborn on occasion." Beelzebub leaned back in their chair. "Only an angel would be such a pansy about something so simple."

"You were an angel once," Gabriel reminded them softly.

Their expression hardened. "That was a long time ago, Gabriel. I suggest you proceed very carefully." 

Gabriel sighed heavily, an expression unbefitting his status. "Michael has spoken before of desires the human body experiences, carnal needs that ultimately lead to sin. As a demon, you are more familiar with them than I." 

"Are you... asking me to fuck you?" 

"Almighty above, absolutely not!" Gabriel cried. "Not at all. I was merely stating that I do not see the appeal to them. Uriel went so far as to suggest I spy on humans, if I was so committed to rooting out sin." 

Beelzebub stared at him blankly. "Where are you going with this, Gabriel?" 

Gabriel had the grace to look vaguely flustered. "You are the only demon I regularly speak with. You are also the Prince of Hell. Naturally, it stands to reason that you may be able to educate me as to why humans so often sin in such a way. I am quite sure you would have files somewhere I could read." 

Once again, they saw a great opportunity to mess with him, but this time they hesitated, thought only because they were literally in Hell and anyone could walk in on them. The thought made their stomach do a heavy flip, Satan only knew why. "I probably do." They stood and stepped over to another filing cabinet, taking the opportunity to lock the office door as they opened a drawer and rummaged inside. 

Gabriel looked relieved. "That is helpful. Spying on earth does not tend to work out for me." He relaxed a bit in his chair. 

"That's because you don't know how humans work," Beelzebub pointed out. They shut the drawer and bent over to go through one below it. "They're not very hard to understand, if you would make the effort. Feed them, finance them, fuck them. It's really not that hard." They heard Gabriel stutter unintelligibly and grinned. "What's the matter, bonehead?" 

They straightened up and turned to see Gabriel turning magenta. So easily embarrassed. With the door now locked and the pretend search conducted, Beelzebub decided to go ahead and mess with him as they had originally wanted to. Who knew when they would get another chance like this?

They sauntered up to him and slid onto his lap, drawing a gasp from him. He grabbed their hips almost instinctively to keep them from falling as he stammered. "Beelzebub, what... what in Heaven's name a-are you doing?" 

Beelzebub shot him a wicked smile. They had no qualms about this; what was about to happen was both entirely Gabriel's fault, and something they did often to tempt humans into sinning. On the rare occasion they went to the surface, anyway. 

"Oh, Gabriel," they said. "You said you wanted to better understand why the humans enjoyed carnal pleasures. Reading files is boring. Why not take a real-life lesson?" 

They had to admit, they were surprised by the shiver that went through Gabriel as the implications struck him. The idea that he had never experienced anything like this in Heaven seemed obvious once they thought about it. There was something vaguely flattering about being the first. 

They leaned down slightly, resting their arms on his shoulders and tangling one hand in the hair at the nape of his neck. They were only centimetres apart now. "Last chance to say no," they whispered. 

Beelzebub expected Gabriel to push them away, maybe rant a little about how demons had no power to tempt him. They didn't expect Gabriel's eyes to flick down and back up, didn't expect the seemingly involuntary tightening of his hands on their hipbones. They shrugged a bit, then leaned in and kissed him for the third time. 

Whereas the first two instances had been pure instinct and a need for a plausible cover story, this time Beelzebub was fully aware of everything that was happening. They felt Gabriel stiffen as their lips touched, felt his hands shift up to their waist as if to push them off. They could hear the ragged breath he drew in, and feel how his stupidly soft lips dragged against theirs. 

Impulsively, they curled their hand into a fist and tugged on his hair. The noise Gabriel made in response was downright sinful. Hearing it come from an angel, from Gabriel especially, sparked a fire in their gut. 

Now Gabriel slowly began to reciprocate, still unsure of how to move. For once Beelzebub was not annoyed at how slow he was to catch on; he was very new to the idea of temptations, after all. They turned their head slightly to the side, snorting as their noses bumped together. 

They pulled back a hair. "You need to move more," they muttered. "Open your mouth a little bit." Gabriel complied without hesitation, and they pushed forward again. The kiss deepened. They tugged on his hair again and slid their other hand down his chest, and he pulled them forward in response. He learned quickly; soon the playing field had leveled a bit, and it was all Beelzebub could do to remember why they had started this. 

Once they got past the fact they were making out with an archangel, they were surprised to find they enjoyed it quite a bit. His lips were still irritatingly soft and smooth, like a statue, but when they moved it felt less like kissing marble and more like kissing a human. 

What surprised them the most, however, was when Gabriel slid a hand up their back, brushing against their wings. They shivered as his fingertips grazed over feathers he couldn't feel. 

Eventually, they pulled away. Not because they needed air, but because they knew they risked going too far. With Gabriel touching their wings, they stood a chance of doing more than just kissing him. 

Gabriel had his eyes closed for several seconds after they moved back, visibly dazed. His usually immaculate suit and hair were ruffled from Beelzebub's attentions. His violet eyes, when he finally cracked them open, were vividly brighter than Beelzebub remembered. 

"You alright?" They teased, expertly hiding how unraveled they felt. 

He flushed again, looking away. "I believe I understand a little better now," he said hesitantly. 

Beelzebub pushed his shoulder. "That's it? First time you've been soundly kissed and that's your response?" They knew getting anything more out of him wasn't going to happen, so they let it go when he refused to answer. 

They should have gotten up, got off his lap and gotten back to work. But Gabriel had began absentmindedly scratching up and down their spine as he thought. Perhaps he had forgotten demons still had wings, or else he'd forgotten how sensitive they were. Beelzebub leaned forward and rested their head against his chest, startling him out of his mind. "Beelz?" He started to ask. 

"Don't stop," they interrupted, only vaguely concerned by how utterly desperate they sounded. Their eyes were closed as they focused on the feeling of his nails on their back. It wasn't a sexual thing- they would know if it was- more like they hadn't realized how much their wings and back itched and ached until he touched them. 

Gabriel seemed to realize how wholly they were at his mercy, because he finished his trail to the top of their spine and then dug his nails in a little harder on the way down. Beelzebub shuddered and whined, trying not to seem like some lower, more pathetic creature than they were. They could only be grateful they had locked the door; it meant less of a chance for someone else to see them like this. 

"You should take better care of your wings, Beelz," Gabriel stated. "You have so much tension in your shoulders." 

"Being Prince of Hell does that to you," they answered. "Have to make sure none of these morons discorporate each other." They chose to ignore how breathy they sounded. 

Gabriel pulled his hand away, and Beelzebub almost whined again at the loss. Then they felt his other hand slid just barely under their clothes, to rest on their side. His skin was warm against theirs, almost burning. "I can scratch out your wings, if you want," he offered. 

Beelzebub just stared at him. Down here, showing one your wings was considered incredibly intimate, a reminder of life before. Down here, it was a declaration of love. But the way Gabriel mentioned it so casually made them wonder how common it was upstairs. "You're willing to do that for me?" They asked skeptically. Grooming one's wings took time, especially if one had wings as large as Beelzebub's. Former high-ranking angel and all that. 

Gabriel shrugged. "You obviously need it. Think of it as... repayment, if you wish to. My offer stands." He didn't seem to care one way or the other. 

His apparent nonchalance helped Beelzebub make up their mind. "Alright, fine," they accepted. "But nobody is to know of this, understand? My reputation would be on the line." They began to unbutton their suit jacket with a practiced fluidity. 

He watched for a moment before looking around their office. "Michael would most certainly have me punished or cast out if they knew of this. It will be kept 'under wraps' as I believe the humans say." 

Beelzebub shrugged out of the jacket and tossed it onto the desk, leaving them in only a white button-up. Within their office, they saw no need to wear the sash and other accoutrement they usually wore around Hell and to the surface. Any demon who came to speak with them knew better than to comment. 

Gabriel was staring at them again. No, not at, exactly; more through, as if he were seeing a different time, a different place. Beelzebub cleared their throat. "Gabriel," they said. 

He jumped at the sudden interruption, looking oddly sheepish. They rolled their eyes at him and began working the buttons on their shirt. Gabriel's nimble fingers started at the bottom, and together they worked their way through the buttons. Their hands touched very briefly as they collided on the last button, but Beelzebub ignored it, letting the shirt slip down their shoulders. 

Having such a slight body made no sense when taking their wings into account. As they threw the button-up somewhere to the side, they let their wings unfurl for the first time in... they weren't sure how long, really. Quite a while. The massive things snapped open as they sighed, feathers all ruffled and quite a few loose or even broken. They each took up nearly half the room length-wise, and the ceiling was only half a meter taller. They were black, as all demon wings, but as they caught the light there were flashes of dark blue and deep red shades. Beelzebub knew their wings must have been something to behold before they Fell, but it was so long ago that they could never quite remember. 

Gabriel, on the other hand, looked astonished by their size. He reached out to pull a loose feather near Beelzebub's shoulder, and the whole big thing quivered as he touched it. "The highlights are fascinating," he murmured, bringing the feather close to inspect it. 

Beelzebub felt like they were naked, sharing such an intimate thing with him. They climbed off of his lap and carefully moved around the desk, being sure not to bump anything. Gabriel stared after them as they cleared off their desk and then sat upon it, back towards him. Their feet didn't touch the ground. "Get on with it," they snapped. 

Gabriel crossed to them, setting the feather down next to them. "Eager?" He asked. 

"There's a reason we wear so many layers, it's cold down here." Indeed they had goosebumps, though mostly because of desk being chilled underneath them. 

"It is definitely colder than in Heaven," Gabriel agreed. "Now, you can either sit as you are, or you can lie down on your stomach. On your stomach will make it easier to reach everything." As if the bastard wasn't nearly a foot taller than them.

Beelzebub wiggled their wings at him as they adjusted, and he chuckled. Then he reached over, pulled a wing tiward him, and gently began to comb his fingers through the feathers. "For the record," he piped up as he worked, "we rarely do this in Heaven, either."

It felt wonderful, Beelzebub had to admit. They bit their lip and turned their head so they could watch him work. He tracked his fingers through methodically, shifting feathers and setting broken and loose ones on the chair. Every so often he would drag a fingernail against the base of a new feather, and Beelzebub would shake and try not to react beyond that. 

The breaking point came when he got lower on the wing and found a clump of dirt and possibly scab where a feather should have been. "Beelzebub, this has to be hurting you," Gabriel mentioned. Beelzebub simply shrugged; they were usually too busy to take stock of how they hurt on any given day. "I can fix it. Hold still." 

Beelzebub realized what he meant to do right before he did it. "Wait-" They barely had time to brace themself before he dug a nail into their wing and scratched at the lump. Beekzebub cried out. It hurt terribly, but there was also a great sense of relief once the pain eased. Gabriel muttered softly and rubbed around the newly freed baby feather, making Beelzebub tremble and whimper in a very un-Prince-of-Hell like manner. 

After a brief moment, Gabriel resumed his task. Beelzebub, having rarely used their wings in the past few millenia, had not realized how bad they had gotten until Gabriel found another blocked off feather. This time he worked the blockage out slowly; it still hurt, but less so. 

This was the pattern they established: Gabriel smoothing out Beelzebub's wings and occasionally cleaning out a pore, and Beelzebub turning into a helpless mess every time he put his hand at the top of the wing and raked his fingernails down it. Which, once he realized the effect it had on them, he did quite a bit, the asshole. He worked one side clean and then the other, Beelzebub shaking the entire time. 

Finally, he got to the base of the wing, where feathers met flesh. Beelzebub tensed up as Gabriel's hand grazed their bare back. "No need to tense up, Beelzebub. I will not harm you today." 

Beelzebub had to appreciate his honesty, his acknowledgement that they were still, in fact, inherent enemies. As he began to scratch the crook where their wing and their back connected, however, they were struck by a stupid desire that it was not so. They shoved it back and focused on the present, focused on how Gabriel's hand couldn't possibly have lingered as he pulled it away. He walked by their head to get to the other shoulder, then surprised them by climbing onto the desk and straddling them. Well, as best he could, with those ridiculously long legs. 

"Gabriel, what in Hell are you doing?" They hissed. They felt him press a palm against their lower back, then his other hand on top. 

"Breathe in," he instructed. "Sandalphon taught me this. He said it was to relieve pain." Beelzebub couldn't see how, but they inhaled regardless. "Now breathe out." As Beelzebub did, Gabriel put most of his weight onto the heel of his palm, which was pressed directly against Beelzebub's spine. There was a loud crack, and Beelzebub went limp momentarily as Gabriel basically turned them into a puddle. 

When they could speak again, it was only to ask, "What was that sound?" 

Gabriel was grinning smugly when he spoke, Beelzebub could hear it. "Your spine cracking." He moved his hands up a little. "Breathe in again." 

Beelzebub lost count of how many times Gabriel popped their spine, but it felt like a lot. The final one, between their shoulder blades, was the one that hurt the most. Mainly because Gabriel forgot that most of the tension lay in Beelzebub's shoulders. When Gabriel came down with his heel, Beelzebub winced, knocking him slightly off balance. 

Having completed that task, he moved on to the second wing. At this point, Beelzebub was practically molten, mostly limp against the desk as he worked. They would occasionally stir if he hit a particularly nasty blockage, but for the most part they just closed their eyes and enjoyed it. It was nice having someone take care of them, for once. 

It was over far too soon, in their opinion. As Gabriel finished the front side of Beelzebub's right wing, he had them sit up and spread their wings out for a last look. Every feather had been neatly put back into place, and where broken feathers and dirt clumps had been before there was now a layer of down. They reminded Beelzebub of a baby bird growing into its wings. 

"You really ought to properly care for these," Gabriel told them again, raking his fingers through the feathers. "Next time will hurt less if you do." 

Beelzebub let him scratch the base of the wing for a moment before shaking them both and folding them. "You're implying there will be a next time," they pointed out. Gabriel looked up and met their eyes. They saw the same thing they were feeling: an escape from their lives, even for a little while. 

Gabriel didn't get the chance to speak again before Beelzebub pulled him in. Unlike the forced calm of their last kiss, this one was feverish, yet tender at the same time. Beelzebub knew they were on the verge of something here, of crossing some line neither would be able to come back from. As Gabriel rested his hands on their hipbones, they decided they would deal with that later. 

For now, there was only his lips on theirs, his hands roaming their body, their hands gripping his shirt. There was a hand, carefully touching a wing, drawing out such a soft moan that neither realized at first. There were startled glances shared, as one tested the boundaries and then tangled fingers between the feathers he had worked so hard to fix. There was another sound, a breathy pant that left both feeling utterly naked without being naked at all. 

There was another, more gentle kiss, and a hand in hair. There were hips reflexively jerking and hands moving where they would never have dared to go before. There was a warmth, seeping through their stomach like the glow of a candle. There were lips on their neck and a greedy mark of possession at the base of their throat. 

There was hesitation, as their hands found the base of his shirt. There was a pulling away, and panting though neither needed air. There was a moment where Beelzebub decided Gabriel looked beautiful like this. He looked as shaken as they felt, wondering at this feeling, this explosive chemistry between them. 

Beelzebub was startled by the sudden understanding that they wanted this, wanted him. Really, they supposed, it ought not be a surprise; this new information fit almost seamlessly into their perception of him. 

He spoke what they were thinking. "They cannot know about this," he breathed. Beelzebub found themself nodding. He never mentioned who 'they' were, or what 'this' was. He didn't need to. 

They were careful the next few times they met, especially around others. When Crowley got discorporated protecting Aziraphale from something the demon refused to talk about, Gabriel was forced to bring Aziraphale down to find him before Aziraphale popped in somewhere he shouldn't be. And when Beelzebub had to go to Earth to personally tempt a particularly rigid nun, Gabriel was in the same convent, convincing a woman in mourning to give her life over to the Almighty. Beelzebub was proud of that instance; Gabriel had stepped into a dark corridor to miracle back to Heaven and found them pinning the nun to the wall. They still laughed when they thought about it.

The centennial meeting between Heaven and Hell was almost unbearable. It was already boring to begin with, but Beelzebub couldn't tear their eyes away from Gabriel as he talked, giving his boring presentation about how Armaggedon was Supposed To Happen, but then Didn't, blaming Crowley and Aziraphale without actually calling them on it, blah blah blah. More than once, Gabriel would go off on a tangent and Beelzebub would threaten to discorporate him to get him back on track. 

Directly after the meeting, Beelzebub stood in a small cluster of demons, speaking with Dagon about how nobody could quite believe the Metatron had ordered Michael to invite Aziraphale, and by extension Crowley, to the meeting. The pair stood in separate groups, Aziraphale presumably talking about books or some nonsense. Crowley, they knew for a fact, was loudly going on about how he had unleashed a small army of frogs into Tadfield just yesterday. Idiot.

There was a pause from Dagon, and Beelzebub felt the back of their neck prickle. They turned to see Gabriel glowering down at them. "Lord Beelzebub," he said tightly. "May I speak with you for a moment?" 

Beelzebub, having a feeling they knew what he wanted to talk about, rolled their eyes and slipped into their old role. "If it's really that important, you can speak to me here," they drawled. 

Gabriel's eyes narrowed. "It is not something for a common demon to overhear," he insisted. Beelzebub watched Dagon puff up like a cat. 

"Fine, fine. Let's get this over with before anyone gets discorporated, I've got enough paperwork without you killing my lieutenants." 

Dagon stepped forward. "Lord Beelzebub, would you like one of us to go with you?" They offered. 

"No, Dagon. You will remain here," Beelzebub ordered. "I am more than capable of handling myself, you would do well to remember that. I could discorporate this moron before he even breathed again if he insulted me." Dagon bowed, and Beelzebub slipped out of the circle to stalk past Gabriel. 

They admittedly had no idea where they were going, but judging by how quickly the voices of their enemies and subjects faded, they were going somewhere far away from everyone. They hated how bright Heaven was, how sterile. It was so much more boring up here than down in Hell. 

By the time Gabriel caught up to them, they had gone through several twisting hallways, and were very much away from the others. Gabriel put a hand on their shoulder, and in an instant Beelzebub turned and shoved him against the wall, levitating to be at a similar height to him. 

Gabriel looked slightly stunned, but he didn't let it phase him too much. "I think people are starting to grow suspicious of you and I, Beelz," he admitted quietly. 

"I know. I've been thinking the same thing. But they won't find out. Demons can't navigate this bloody place, and your kind don't trust mine eough to leave them alone up here." Beelzebub leaned forward and nipped his nose. Gabriel blushed. "Never the one to give in first, are you?" They rolled their eyes at him, then properly kissed him. 

It didn't last long this time. Partly because of how dangerous it was to do something like that in Heaven. Mostly, though, because several seconds later there was a racket nearby. Beelzebub felt their levitation give way and they landed nimbly on their feet, only for Gabriel to push them behind him almost protectively. 

A few meters away, staring at them incredulously, were Aziraphale and Crowley. Aziraphale looked confused, while Crowley was grinning like a madman. "Well, well," he said, "fancy seeing you here, Lord Beelzebub." 

Aziraphale took several hasty steps toward them as Gabriel relaxed, moving to stand next to Beelzebub. "Brother, what's going on here?" Aziraphale asked. He looked between them. "Did Lord Beelzebub tempt you?" 

Crowley laughed. "Obviously, angel, and it looks like he wasn't minding being tempted." 

Beelzebub crossed their arms over their chest. "Crowley, what are you doing here? The Meeting is back that way," they stated, a not-quite-order laced within their words. 

Crowley completely ignored the order. "If you must know, Bee, I was looking for a quiet space for Zira and I to... talk." Aziraphale's face mottled with color as Crowley wrapped an arm around his waist. "Looks like you beat me to it, boss." 

Gabriel spoke up for the first time, surprising everyone by how urgent he sounded. "Aziraphale, the Almighty must not know of this." His arm came around Beelzebub's shoulder and pulled them closer to him. 

Aziraphale nodded and a silent conversation passed between the two. At the end of their exchange, Aziraphale's expression changed to one of surprise. He looked at Beelzebub intently for a moment. "I promise, Gabriel, I will not say a word," he announced. His words seemed to confirm something for Gabriel; the archangel sagged.

"Yeah, you're not the only angel getting fucked by a demon," Crowley snorted, pressing a kiss to his angel's temple. 

"Crowley!" Aziraphale glared at him in embarrassment, but Crowley just laughed and led him off. "You and I can talk later, Gabriel!" Aziraphale called back. 

Gabriel and Beelzebub just stood there for a moment, then Beelzebub spoke up. "I don't want to know what just happened," they said. "We should get back, Dagon will notice if I take much longer." 

"Indeed. Michael has been watching me lately, as well," Gabriel told them. His hand found theirs and squeezed. "Shall I come to you later?" 

Beelzebub shook their head. "No," they decided. "Not down to Hell. Too obvious. I keep an apartment on Earth for business. Meet me there tonight." They miracled a slip of paper with the address on it. "I have a meeting with the Horsemen after this, so I may be late." 

Gabruel nodded and tucked the paper into his suit pocket. "I will be there." He dropped Beelzebub's hand and walked away, the promise still hanging in the air between them. 

After he had vanished from sight, Beelzebub looked around. Once they knew they were alone, they sighed. "Time to do some research," they muttered. They turned and hurried down the hall, opposite the way Gabriel had gone. They had the faintest idea of where to find what they were looking for. 

Later that evening, Beelzebub walked briskly toward their apartment, a file folder under their arm. The pure rage on their face kept any human from interacting with them as they unlocked the door with a snap of their fingers and stepped inside. Up the stairs to their apartment, they discovered Gabriel by the front door, as he had promised he would be. 

"There you are, Beelz-" 

They cut him off. "You," they hissed. "You filthy, disgusting bastard." 

He stared at them in confusion before his eyes caught on the folder. "Where did you get that?" He asked. 

Beelzebub snapped their fingers and the door swung open. "Inside. Now." It was not a request. Gabriel stumbled back into the apartment as Beelzebub stalked toward him. Once they had crossed the threshold, Beelzebub shut and locked the door. 

Gabriel stood in the tiny apartment, looking out of place and sheepish. "Beelzebub, listen to me-" He raised his hands placatingly. 

"No!" Beelzebub snapped. They slammed the file folder on the table. "You shut your bloody fucking mouth and listen to me!" Gabriel's mouth snapped shut. Beelzebub began to pace. "After you went back to your little party, I did some snooping around. Aziraphale clued me in that something was wrong when we ran into them, you can thank him for that. So I found the file room. You know, you wouldn't think that they would have kept records from the Great War, but you'd be surprised." 

They ran a finger along the file, then pointed it at him. "I found all sorts of gory recollections of the War. I found Dagon's file, Ligur's. And then I stumbled across the one that interested me the most."

"I am giving you one chance to explain what I've read, and if I don't like your answer, I _will_ destroy you. Permanently." They crossed their arms over their chest. "Now _speak._"

Gabriel moved around the coffee table, reached out for them. They slapped him across the face, and he flinched. He withdrew his hand, and looked down at the file. "I tried to stop you," he whispered. "You were so insistent Lucifer was doing the right thing, rebelling against God herself. I tried to talk you out of it, but you refused to listen to reason. You tried to get me to join you." He took a deep breath. "I very nearly did. The last thing I wanted was to lose you, you have to understand that. Uriel came to me the day you were cast out, promised me that if I explained what was wrong you would not be harmed." 

His hands clenched into fists, and he leaned down to open the folder. There was a picture inside, of a smiling, happy angel. Beelzebub felt a painful tug in their chest looking at it. "I should have known better. You have no idea what it was like. You knew too much. They wrestled you to Michael and they removed your memories before you Fell. You screamed my name. You were so scared, you called out to me, and I was too much of a coward to interfere. I did not want the same fate. I will regret that every day of my existence, Raphael." 

Hearing their old name stung in a way Beelzebub hadn't known possible. They huffed, looking away from the picture. "That's not my name. Why didn't you tell me?" 

"For millenia, I worried they would know if I contacted you. There is no way to restore your memories, and you would have only been burdened with it. It was best that everyone thought the archangel Raphael had been destroyed during the war. Uriel told all of the angels it had been a Hellfire attack. They did not think to question it." Gabriel reached for them again, and they didn't shove him away this time. He took their hands. "Living with what I caused has been more than enough punishment. You were the only angel I wanted to be with, Beelzebub. Lucifer corrupted you, tempted you. He got into your defences like disease, cast out all rational thought." 

Beelzebub was silent, unsure what to say. Gabriel watched them carefully, waiting. They noticed their hands were trembling in his, and they looked down again at the photograph. Raphael looked so carefree, unburdened by things like war and evil. It was hard to believe they had ever been like that. That they had ever loved Gabriel, and the Almighty. 

No, that wasn't quite right. They could believe having loved Gabriel once; to their surprise, they could almost believe they could love him again. "It can't happen, Gabriel," they told him. They tried to hide how their voice shook. "That was before. Things are different now; we can't be together, they would kill us both." 

Gabriel nodded. "I know," he agreed solemnly. "You might be surprised at how little I care." 

"Did you know who I was this whole time?" They asked.

Gabriel looked away. "No," he admitted. "You look so different now. I had an inkling when we were... in your office. Seeing you in white looked familiar in a way I could not immediately place." He let go of their hands to cup their face. "Even if I had known, I would still be here, in front of you now. I spoke with Aziraphale. He gave me advice, told me how this could work if we can be careful." 

Beelzebub couldn't be hearing him right. "Are you willing to sin? Just to be with me?" They asked skeptically. 

Gabriel leaned down and kissed them gently, the first time he had ever done so. They were too startled to push him away. "Darling Beelzebub," he whispered. "I would Fall for you, if it came to that." 

They stared up at him with wide eyes, astonished almost beyond the capacity for speech. "Gabriel..."

He shifted slightly, reaching down to close the folder, never taking his eyes off theirs. "You are not Archangel Raphael anymore," he stated. "But you are Lord Beelzebub, Prince of Hell. And I do think, just a little, that I may be falling for you all over again." 

Beelzebub gasped softly. An angel admitting to feelings of lust and love had the ability to Fall very quickly. They knew the risk he was taking in admitting such a thing. They also knew, quite certainly, that they were willing to share the risk. He had the answer to his unasked question as they wordlessly pulled him down and kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed my self-indulgent trash. Drop a comment if you want me to turn this into a proper, multi-chapter fic.


End file.
